It’s week ten of lockdown in the UK and over the past two months there has been a huge surge in at-home productivity – people focusing on creating and consuming, whether that be baking banana bread, working out, making music, creating art, having movie marathons, DIYing, starting businesses or reading triple the number of books you would usually. For some, however, having endless free time to do whatever you want within the walls of your own home has proven difficult, myself included.
It’s overwhelming. Knowing that every day there are twenty four hours of time to fill while being confined to the space you live in can be exhausting. For the first few weeks, I, like many, was excited to have the chance to finally do all of the chores, tasks and fun activities that I had been putting off for months. There was no more room for the excuse “if only I had more time”. In April, I put together a magazine, I read ten books, I watched a heap of films I’d missed over the years, I binge-watched Netflix, I learnt how to knit, I cleared out my wardrobe, I baked, I worked out, I painted, I quizzed. I did so much.
But then May came along, six weeks into lockdown, and while having a month at home was fun at first, the thought of doing it all over again was terrifying.
I miss my friends, my grandparents, my work colleagues. I miss socialising. I miss human interaction. I miss going to the cinema, to the pub, to restaurants and to gigs (I’d had tickets to see Dermot Kennedy and Larkins, now both postponed until later in the year). The deeper into May we've gotten, the harder I’ve found it to fully enjoy anything. By doing so much of all of the things I love to keep myself sane during lockdown, I've burnt out. Writing is difficult when you have no new ideas, reading is a challenge, concentrating for two hours on a film seems an impossible task, and discovering new music is, mostly, unthinkable.
While there have been a few new releases that I’ve loved since the world turned upside down (The Weeknd, Dua Lipa), there’s also been a lot that I’ve missed out on because my brain cannot fathom listening to new material (Oh Wonder, Tom Misch, The 1975, 5 Seconds of Summer) at the minute - plus, there's the fact that I just don't want to. I have no desire to listen to new content because I feel as though I'm already at full capacity. I can't handle listening to anything new in order to form an opinion about it because I'm so focused on not spiralling into a mess of anxiety and despair. Instead, I’ve found deep comfort in cycling through old playlists that remind me of better, simpler times. I'm sticking to what I know will bring me joy - and that's okay.
There is so much going on in the world that it seems a monumental effort to get through each day. Focusing on discovering new artists or listening to new bodies of work, while once fun, now seems mentally draining. I can barely concentrate on anything that is playing through my speakers and so all I seem to be listening to is the comforting sounds of songs and artists that I already know so well. While returning to old releases that you love is by no means a bad thing, it can be frustrating when it’s the only thing you do. I feel as though I’m missing out on so much. I have ‘new music FOMO’, and yet I can’t bring myself to press play on these new releases and really listen to them – it's a vicious circle.
I’m aware that I won’t be the only person feeling this way, I know a lot of people are feeling 'slumpy' at the moment. I’m also aware that I come from a place of massive privilege if the only thing I have to be concerned about right now is whether or not I enjoy my hobbies anymore. But still, it’s frustrating to not feel the excitement you would usually when doing something you love, whatever that might be.
Sure, it’s great to reminisce by listening to old favourite songs, but I miss spending hours listening to suggested tracks on Spotify. I miss discovering new favourite artists. And although I’ve found comfort in the familiarity of The Weeknd’s entire discography, I’m going to scream if I hear Blinding Lights one more time.